Season 4 Finale Parody
by eleven19
Summary: Everyone deals with Emma becoming the Dark One. WARNING: Foul language and Bromance Ahead!


Hook frowned at the Dark One dagger, Emma's name glinting in the moonlight. Yes, the night had definitely taken a disturbing turn: in the space of ten minutes, they had gone from laughing in the diner over the way David had brutally murdered him in the alternate universe to watching Emma tether the Darkness to her soul and disappear.

And now, they were all standing there in a _very_ awkward silence, silently trying to figure out who was allowed to actually pick up the dagger. Nobody wanted to make any presumptions, because that would just make the entire situation even _more_ awkward, and it would make banding together to find Emma an even more uncomfortable experience than it was already going to be.

"So…." Robin said at last, breaking the silence.

"Yup," Hook said, feeling compelled to speak.

David cleared his throat. "Well, there you go."

"There you go," Snow echoed.

There was a silence, before Regina exhaled, "Yeah…"

They all stared at the dagger, as if hoping it would offer instructions.

"So, you two were very whisper-y, that last minute there," Robin said to Hook, raising his eyebrows. "Did she tell you where she was going by any chance?"

"Oh, that." Hook scratched the back of his head awkwardly. It was actually a bit embarrassing what happened. "No…"

In his defense, it _was_ very loud and distracting, the background: there was all that swirling, tornado-like light, with flashes of lightening and thunder and just the general _whoosh_ -iness of magic. Through all that mess, Hook had squinted to see Emma take the dagger and charge toward the darkness that was basically eating Regina's soul. _Of course,_ he had thought to himself, going to go over there and pull Emma out. She couldn't help herself, she always had to make a scene. He should have known she wouldn't be able to pass up an opportunity like this.

"Emma," he had called. "Emma, don't, come on."

"What?" she hollered back, cupping a hand to her ear.

"I said, don't! Emma, _please!_ " he yelled, running closer so she could hear him properly.

" _What?_ "

He caught up to her, a little out of breath. "Don't do this," he breathed. "Damn, it's like I have asthma or something. But yeah, don't do this."

She blinked at him a few times, as if she still couldn't quite hear what he said. "Uh…" she said awkwardly. "Yeah, sure. I love you, too."

He crinkled his brow. "Huh?"

"I love you," she enunciated, shouting over the the wind and swirliness.

At first, he thought he hadn't heard her properly: he kind of just stared at her. "I'm sorry, one more time?"

She exhaled frustratedly. "I said, _I love you._ "

His eyebrows shot up. Wow, it was a little bit early for that, wasn't it? "Uh…wow. H-how about that?" he managed finally.

"That's what you got? _How about that?_ "

"Well, could have you picked a worse time? Jesus, you're saying this now? You couldn't say something like that when you found out I wasn't dead, after your stab-happy dad skewered me?"

Emma frowned. "Well, _you_ brought it up."

"Mmm…no. No, I didn't say anything like that."

Her eyes widened fearfully. "You didn't?"

"Nope."

"Oh, crap."

"Yeah, it's…yeah."

She nodded awkwardly. "Okay, so this is a weird situation now," she said, fighting to be heard over the wind. "I'll just, uh, make a graceful exit, shall I?"

"Oh, totally. Yeah, I'll just…you go ahead." He stepped back, and from there, things progressed very quickly: Emma stabbed the dagger into the Darkness and it swirled all around her, engulfing her form in the black smoke. For a few horrible seconds, they could still see each other and they awkwardly watched the other, waiting for the whole ordeal to be over. Hook vaguely wondered if he should have mouthed something or waved or smiled encouragingly, but really he could only manage standing there and pretending the wind was in his eyes so he didn't have to make direct eye contact.

And now she was gone. So…

"Yeah, she was just reminding me to feed her cat," Hook invented, returning to the present moment. David and Snow frowned at him.

"Emma doesn't have a cat."

"Well…" He slowly turned on his heel to face them. "She wants me to find _a_ cat and feed it, because… uh… Are you buying this? No? Okay, forget the cat. It was just a… It was an inside joke," he said at last. "You wouldn't get it."

Everyone's eyes slowly drifted to the dagger. Someone was going to have to pick it up eventually.

"How could she be so stupid?" Regina said suddenly, throwing her arms up.

"Regina!" David sputtered.

"Yeah, that's not cool," Snow said, shaking her head.

"But _where is she?_ " Robin pressed. "That was either the best magic trick ever, or we're in some serious shit."

"Oh, I'm sure she's fine," Hook shrugged. "She does this. It's her thing. Last time she got sucked into a swirling vortex, we went back in time and fucked shit up for the hell of it. Actually, it's funny, 'cause you two—" he pointed to David and Snow—"think you met when she slammed your head with a box after stealing your ring from the palace, but originally, you had a _much_ cuter story." He smiled fondly. "It was supposed to be the forest, with a rock, and tree branches, and…oh, you had to be there."

"Hey," Snow said indignantly. "That sounds _way_ cuter than the story we remember."

"Yeah," David said, sounding very put out. "What the fuck, man?"

"Meanwhile," Henry said, emerging from the pawnshop, "my mother is now the Dark One. Can we get back to that, please?"

"Where is she, though?" Robin asked the air.

"Do you think any of us know?" Regina snapped. "God, Robin, doesn't being useless exhaust you _ever_?"

"Uh, I'm _not_ useless. I serve a purpose, thanks very much," he said, folding his arms.

"Oh, really? What?"

"Being super-cute," he scoffed. "Duh. Listen to my accent."

"It is very cute," Hook agreed, nodding. Robin looked at him, smiling.

"Bro," he said, sounding touched, " _your_ accent is super-cute."

"Nah," he grinned, waving his hand.

"Oh, no, it is, _it is_. Hey—" he bumped his shoulder with his fist—"want to be best friends with me?"

"Hang on, let me think—uh, YEAH."

They hugged tightly: no one would ever tear these bros apart.

"Will you be my bestest friend for life?" Robin said in a muffled voice.

"I will be your bestest friend in life and death," Hook replied, just as muffled.

"Dude," Robin chuckled, wiping his eyes as they broke apart, "that's beautiful."

Henry cleared his throat loudly.

"Right," Hook said, shaking himself. "Emma. Dark One. Everything falling to shit. Okay, people," he said loudly while Robin clapped his hands to get everyone's attention. "So—someone's gotta pick up that dagger. I'm just going to go ahead and say it: no one wants to look like a dumb jabroni and pick it up with everyone thinking, 'Hey, what does this asshole think he's doing?', so I'm going to defer the decision to the parents…?" He looked at David and Snow expectantly.

They exchanged a glance. "Uh…yeah, go for it, Hook," David shrugged. "I mean, I don't think you should keep it, but I guess you can hold it for now."

"Okay… Henry, that all right with you? I don't want to tread on any toes."

Henry looked uncomfortable. "I'd rather you didn't."

"Mmm. Well, unfortunately, you're just a little baby child, so—" he gave an apologetic shrug, and grabbed the dagger. He checked his teeth in it before turning around.

"Now what?" Snow said.

"Now, we try to summon our little ray of sunshine," Hook decided, and held the dagger out in what he hoped looked like an epic way. He cleared his throat, suddenly aware he didn't know how to summon a Dark One. "Oi! Emma!" he called, waving the dagger. "Get your skinny ass back here!"

Nothing happened.

"Okay," he sighed. "Robin, you want to give it a go?"

"Sure," Robin said, catching the dagger as Hook flipped it to him. "HEY, EMMA! WHERE ARE YOU?"

"Let me try," Regina said, reaching for it. She held the dagger up, like it was a cell phone she was trying to find reception on. "Uh… Dark One? I'm summoning you, so….so could you be summoned now, or…?" She trailed off, shaking her head. "I have no fucking idea."

"Let me try again," Hook said. Regina tossed it to him, and it clattered to the ground. He swore under his breath and said exasperatedly, " _Regina…_ "

"I'm sorry!"

"God, you suck," Robin said to her, scoffing. She smacked him upside the head and, ignoring his yelp, looked back toward Hook.

"Dark One," he intoned, feeling inspired now that he had an audience, "with the power of this dagger, I command you—"

"Thee!" Robin hissed. "Try _thee._ "

"Oh, that's good. With the power of this dagger, I command _thee—_ return!"

Again, nothing happened. Hook huffed impatiently.

"This thing is fucking useless," he said, swinging the dagger.

"Put that thing down, Guyliner, before you hurt yourself," Regina ordered, striding forward. "Do you even know how to use that thing?"

Hook raised his eyebrows. " _Duh._ "

"I don't think you do."

"'S'cuse me, bitch, but my best friend is the smartest man in the whole goddamn universe," Robin said, putting his arm around Hook.

"My best friend is correct," Hook said, slinging his arm around Robin. "With this piece of shit dagger, I can summon the Dark One from any corner of the world."

"Well, there's your answer, dumb-ass," Regina said acidly. "She's not _in_ this world."

Hook and Robin frowned at each other. "What is the bitch smoking?" Hook whispered..

"I don't know, but I bet it's expensive."

"You know what's some good shit? Dreamshade."

"You can smoke that?"

"Sure you can. Why do you think I stayed in Neverland for two hundred years? I was fucking _high,_ bro!"

"That sounds incredible."

"Anyway," Regina said loudly. "She's not in this world. She's in a different one."

"Cool!" Robin said excitedly. "Which one?"

"How the fuck should I know?"

"Oi!" Hook said, affronted. " _Language._ There's children present!" He jutted his head in Henry's direction.

"Yeah, Mom. There's children present." Henry looked disdainfully at Hook and Robin.

"Where is Emma?" Snow asked loudly, her arms still wrapped around David.

"I. Don't. _Know_ ," Regina said through clenched teeth. "Just that she's not in this world."

"Well, that's helpful," Snow said sarcastically. "Really. Way to go, Regina."

"I don't see _you_ contributing anything," Regina shot back.

"My daughter just became the Dark One, what's your excuse?" she snapped back.

"Uh, gee, I don't know—how about, I got _stabbed_ to death a few hours ago?"

"Hey, me, too," Hook said, raising his eyebrows. "High-fives, Regina."

They high-fived, Hook still keeping one arm around Robin.

"I got it right in the back, thanks to _this_ guy." Hook jerked his head toward David. Regina sucked in a breath sympathetically.

"I got in the stomach. Hurts like a bitch, doesn't it?"

"You're telling me," Hook said, rolling his eyes and batting his hand.

Henry cleared his throat. "Mom. Dark One. Plan?"

Hook tilted his hand back and forth, screwing up his face. " _Meh…_ " he said. "It's been a long night, can we work on a plan tomorrow?"

"Yeah, please?" Regina chimed in. "Getting stabbed really takes a lot out of you."

"We should go home, get a nice cup of tea," Robin said decisively. "Put our feet up, have a little catnap…"

"Oh, that sounds wonderful," Hook said, hugging him closer. "I love you, bro."

"I love you, too, bro."

"I thought you loved me," Regina said, sounding offended.

"Sure, I do," Robin shrugged. "Not as much as my boy, Hook, here. We're legendary bros, Regina. It was bound to happen. Romance is fleeting; bromance is forever."

"My thoughts exactly," Hook said, nodding his head. "Emma will still be the Dark One tomorrow, we can worry about it then. But for one night, let's just relax, huh? We deserve a break."

"I wouldn't say no to a nice bubble bath…" Snow said wistfully.

"A good cup of coffee," David shrugged.

"A nap," Regina added thoughtfully.

"Maybe catching up on my Netflix shows," Henry said, rubbing his chin.

"And we have bro-ing out to accomplish," Robin said, grinning at Hook.

"Well, all right, then," he said authoritatively. "It's decided. Operation Whatever-the-fuck-we're-calling-it-this-time will be addressed tomorrow. Tonight, we relax."

And for the first time, in all of history, Emma Swan was not the foremost thought on everyone's mind; and they all got a few normal, relaxing hours during which their only worry was chilling out and doing nothing.

Mini-Epilogue:

The next morning was a bitch, and things only went downhill from there:lots of man-tears were shed, and there were a lot of epic and tragic battles; harsh words spoken, life-threatening conditions; people they'd never heard of became their friends and they trusted them…until they mysteriously disappeared a few months later, never to be seen or heard from again. It was all very shady, but alas… such is the nature of Storybrooke.


End file.
